Getting physical
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Training sessions have been going really well these past few weeks. I
swim, lift, and run on my own (or with the masters swim team) during the
week, and o...
12 years ago
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day
I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish members of my female family a Happy Mother's Day. This is a day of reflection. Not being a mother, although people always will tell you "Oh your a mother to the earth, your animals, your friends, clients etc." but the reality is that I am not a mother in the sense that we celebrate it, honor it and rejoice in it and I am sure sometimes rail about it. Motherhood is a club that has a worldwide and diverse membership. When I was a young girl I always thought that I would be a mother one day. I played with dolls; rocking them to sleep, feeding them, dressing them and doing all the things we think of as motherly. I grew thinking that one day I would marry and have kids. I was going to be what I considered the "Cool Aid Mom". The house where all the kids wanted to hang out becasue my kids had the mom that always did and said the right thing. The mom who understood them and was hip in a mature way. The reality is I probably would have been an over protective, overly strict, over bearing mother, "Cool Aid Mom", probably would not have been the words my kids would have used to describe me, but somehow the years passed and although at one point I looked into adopting, I never became a mother. I will never know what it feels like to carry a child. I will never know what it feels like those first moment you know you are going to be a mother. I will never know the myriad of emotions that come with that 9 month process of nurturing this new soul. This new life. I will never really know or appreciate the birthing process. These are events and moments that only members of the club can truly comprehend and celebrate. I sometimes look at my fridge and I think of the pictures and artwork that have never graced it. On this the day we reflect on mothers, I am reminded that I will never open a package containing a homemade plate with a handprint or a family portrait drawn with the skill and artistry that can only come forth from the hands and heart of a small child. I will never hear shouts of "Happy Mother's Day". I know that there is much more to being a mother than these things mentioned. There are the million and zillion moments that happen day in and day out, year in and year out. Mother is no longer with us, at least not in her physical form, so today I will see children honoring there mothers and wish that I could take mine to dinner, buy her a small gift that she doesn't need and say "Happy Mother's Day Mom". To my sisters and to Beth and Jesse I honor each of you for participating in this club. I believe you have each given your best and have helped create beautiful and compassionate beings. I wish you each a Hapyy Mother's Day, but in my heart I wish I was a member of the club.
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5 comments:
What a beautiful,heartfelt tribute to Mother's Day. You are truly a gifted writer. You have outdone yourself with this essay.
I wish our Mom was alive too. I want to hug her and tell her about her grandkids and great grandkids. It just dawned on me, Mom is a great grandma. How she would love that if she was alive and well. Death was her healer. I think she is watching from above.
I wish you were a member of the Mother's Club because you would have been a terrific Mother. I think you would have been a room Mother at school. Your kids would have had a healthy lifestyle and learned to put in a hard day's work. They would learn to respect other people regardless of their income, gender, religion or race. They would probably be writers like you. And I think they just might have been passionate about politics and social issues. You would have raised wonderful human beings. That did not happen.
What did happen is you give to people in so many ways. Sometimes you mother me and I like it. But I am an old woman and definitely not a cute toddler you could catch in your arms and hold.
I am sorry your dream was not fulfilled. I ache for you. I hope you will find consolation in your family's loving thoughts.
Well, Fiddler, based on the many fun activities you planned for nieces and nephews and the deep interest you always showed Katie and Andy, it seems to me that you have the heart of a mother....and that really counts.
love ya,
ellen
The Road Less Traveled--------Margaret, I had that dream too. The big house, the white picket fence, kids in the yard with a kool aid stand. But the 60's happened & women got liberated. we believed we could be fullfilled in other ways.
The question is, Can we? We have to live out our lives to figure out the answer. Unfortunately there is no rewind button, no do overs. It's a one time shot in the dark. And there is always someone judging you, undermining your decisions, threatening your confidence, waiting to say I told you so. But life is an amazing thing whether it begins in you or some how you help it along it's little way. I haave wonderful memories of you and Matthew together, looking int oven together at someething special you were making. His 3rd birthday was at you apartment and he got a three wheeler which he loved dearly. You took him to a fancy restraunt in kindergarden and he folded his napkin to take it with him. These memories are not posted on the refrigerator but in my heart and his. To me you are apart of the mothers club. You gave yourself to each one of our kids in very special ways. You were available and they deeded you. You always had a smile for them and encourarement for us when we didn't feel like doing it anymore. Although you took the road less traveled in a sense you have been on the same road with us and I am grateful you were there. I know these words may not be enough to heal your aching heart. I hope they will help you with that sense of loss that at times can weight so much on hearts and minds. Loss is undesirable, unique to each one of us and yet the same. It is a part of our strenght, a part of our wisdom, and causes us to reach out to others. It produces endurance if allowed too, and life requires endurance. Loss comes with it's own special gifts and yes even joys. Remember that God has promised to wipe away every tear. Without loss there are no tears, without tears you will not feel the touch of God's hand on your check, that special moment when God lifts you up out of the dirt. I have felt that and it's a good thing.
Margaret, I am in awe of your honest, moving writing, and I am also in awe of your sisters' responses to it. As someone who has not had (and may not have) children, I wrestle with the same questions and uncertainties that you've shared in your post, and I appreciate knowing that someone whom I love and admire is willing to share those questions with me.
I agree with all of these responses that you have been a mother to your nieces and nephews (and I'm sure countless other people) in different ways -- loving, nurturing, guiding us.
I also agree with Carol that just because some of us choose the road less traveled doesn't mean we are "less than" like society wants us to think. And it does want us to think that as women, we should do whatever we can to have or adopt children of our own. I have felt that pressure ... and that stigma when the questions about kids from neighbors, friends, fellow parishioners, etc. begin.
One of my colleagues gave me a cookbook by Ina Garten called Barefoot Contessa--Family Style. And on page 15, Garten begins talking about "family" and what it means to have a family or be a family.
She includes in her definition of family "spouses [or partners] with no children, like Jeffrey and me." When I read that, I had to stop and re-read because it felt so refreshing to hear someone (a big name in the cooking world) call a couple a "family" -- particularly in this kind of text (I always think of cookbooks being written by housewives who take care of their kids ... don't know why).
It's always kind of bugged me to hear someone talk about wanting kids because they want a family. Well, I've got a family. Several of them, in fact.
Thanks for posting this piece, Margaret. I appreciate your honesty and courage.
Thank you all for your responses. I never felt that I was judged by society so much. I have several friends who never had kids for whatever reasons, so I didn't feel like I was as much on The Road Less Traveled as others. When I thought of adopting I had more people actually discourage me from that path, mainly because I was looking to adopt a child who was probably at least 5 or 6 years old and they worried about "baggage" and also worried about my being a single mom. Those thoughts and comments did influence my decision. I did meet John as well and he made it very clear from the beginning that when it came to kids he had "been there, done that" I think at that point I just skated along until it was no longer a decision to be made. The writing was mainly an inward reflection of how I felt about not being a mother. I always enjoyed spending time with my nieces and nephews and participating in their lives in small ways when I could, as I enjoy participating in their own paths' of parenthood now. Katie whatever decision you and Trent make about parenthood I am sure will be the best one for you both. I think for me, I didn't so much decide not to have children as I defaulted to not having children. There is a difference and that was the reason for my reflections. The only thing I would say to you is "decide", don't default. I know you won't cave to pressure from well meaning friends, family or co-workers. That is not your style and that is just one of the many reasons why I admire you so much.
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